Let's revisit the idea of attracting your ideal partner and creating your ideal relationship. After all, that is what we all really
want - relationships that are more love than work, relationships that are full of true connection. Below are the ten steps to get you to that kind of relationship.
As you read over the steps, keep in mind
that everyone who has created a successful, loving relationship has taken these steps. For some people these steps are unconscious, taken automatically. For most of us they need to be taken consciously.
1. Letting Go of the Past
The first step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is to clear the way for it by dropping the baggage from your past. Baggage here refers to
resentments, hurts and fears towards anyone that was either a role model or participated directly in a relationship with you.
Some people carry their hurts, resentments and fear as badges of honor, or
learn from them as if they were indisputable lessons life was trying to teach.
They are neither. They are byproducts of unfortunate situations and your baggage. The sooner you can truly let go of this
baggage the less likely you are to recreate bad situations.
2. Discovering Old Relationship Patterns
The second step to attracting and creating your idea relationship is taking inventory of how
you act in relationships. Why? If your past relationships have not worked out, you are at least 50% responsible. If you don't clearly see what you did to end those relationships, you are powerless to do
You want to look at all aspects of your relationship behavior, from what you do when you first meet someone to what you do when you live with a partner. Ultimately, you also want
to take inventory of what you believe about relationships and the opposite sex.
3. Discovering & Celebrating Needs
The third step to attracting and then creating your ideal relationship is
recognizing, honoring and filling your needs. There is a direct correlation between the quality of your relationships and your ability to recognize and meet your needs.
What's more, your needs are THE
criteria for choosing a partner. Be sure to choose a partner that will satisfy your long term not your short term needs. Choosing a partner out of short term needs guarantees that the relationship will not
Short term need - what you need now. Long term need - what you will always need.
4. Developing Strong Boundaries
The fourth step to attracting and creating your ideal relationship is
developing and honoring your boundaries. Another word for boundaries is limits. To know and honor your limits builds your self esteem, while earning the respect of others.
Why do you need to have
boundaries in a loving relationship? Event the best of partners will inevitably do some things that will not be OK with you. If you say nothing, your partner will not know or pay attention to effecting you
negatively. That will be the start of a good relationship going bad.
Boundaries also greatly enhance your ability to select the right partner. The wrong partner will cross your boundaries fairly early into
the relationship. If you are aware, the wrong partner can be quickly recognized.
5. Defining Your Ideal Relationship
The fifth step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is
defining your ideal relationship and partner. This is the one step that everyone knows about in regard to attracting a partner. The popular version of this exercise, however, will only serve to keep you out
of a relationship and lonely, as it will have you create a fantasy.
To define your true ideal relationship and partner, ask yourself not what you want but what you need. What can you not live without in a
relationship? What do you need to thrive? What do you need from a partner day to day?
To purge fantasy from your definition, ask yourself what you want from another that you are not willing to do or be
6. Redefining Socializing
The sixth step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is redefining why and how you socialize. Chances are, you have participated in many
social situations simply as a way to meet available partners. Chances are you were not very successful, or the relationships formed this way crumbled quickly.
Here is a paradox - if you want to meet your
ideal partner, stop looking for her or him. Socialize as a way to create a rich, satisfying life and as way to create a supportive, vibrant community. Be social to enhance your life and not to look for a
partner. When you life works and you are happy, the right partner will be drawn to you.
7. Developing New Relationship Patterns
The seventh step in being able to attract and create your ideal
relationship is to develop new relationship patterns to replace your old ineffective patterns. This sounds harder than it is. Recognize that as a result of the previous six steps you have already developed
new relationship patterns. This step then is about putting together all of what you have learned so far.
The essence of these new relationship patterns is your new found ability to do the following six
- See people for who they are and not for who you want them to be or who you are afraid they are.
- Recognize your attraction to people, understand what you are attracted to in them and have a choice in what you will do about it.
- Know what you need and be able to assess if a potential partner is able and willing to meet your needs.
- Know and respect your boundaries and communicate when they are crossed or endangered.
- Be clear about your definition of an ideal relationship and be able to assess if a potential partner has the capacity to co-create that kind of relationship with you.
- Have a rich and satisfying social life, one where your needs for companionship are well met.
8. Developing Life Vision
The eighth step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is to
shift your focus away from attracting a partner and wanting a relationship. Instead focus on creating the kind of life you want. Now that you have finally arrived at this step, most of the work required to
attract your ideal relationship is already done. Your ideal partner is just around the corner of your ideal life.
What is your ideal life? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do for a living?
How much money do you want to make? What do you want to contribute to the world?
The key to creating your ideal life is to make yourself happy now and to set yourself up to be happy in the future,
regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.
9. Strengthening Faith
The ninth step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is strengthening your faith, your
relationship with the universal source.
It is guaranteed that at one point or another in this process of attracting your ideal relationship you will feel as if everything you have done has produced
absolutely no results. Faith will be the one thing you will have to count on.
Having faith will keep you from going back to old behaviors in an effort to speed up results.
How do you strengthen faith and
build a relationship with the universal source? Each person's path is his or her own. Find yours.
10. Developing a New Set of Dating/Relationship Behaviors
The tenth and last step in being able to
attract and create your ideal relationship is about learning how to be in a relationship once you have attracted your ideal partner. How you and your partner interact with each other at the beginning of your
relationship will lay the foundation for how you relate to each other for the duration of your time together. It will either guarantee a lifetime partnership or a breakup.
The essence of
co-creating a lifetime partnership is to move slow and spend quality time interacting in person. Phone and email are not the same. Most importantly, build a relationship on a foundation of 100% honesty. A
relationship built on such a foundation will last for a lifetime.