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This
month I am also adding a new highlight to the Q&A. The
"Featured Question" can now be found at the end
of the Q&A, and is picked because of its broad appeal.
This question will get a much more in-depth response.
Q.
I am 23 and have been dating a guy for 2 years. Everything
is fine except that my boyfriend is very possessive, suspicious
and jealous. This type of behavior is killing me. I have
openly discussed it with him but he says it's because he
loves me too much. This puts me off. If you could please
help…
~Rose
A.
Dear Rose,
I am not surprised your boyfriend's possessiveness and jealousy
is putting you off and making you feel stifled. I think
you already know this behavior has nothing to do with how
much he loves you, but has to do with his fear of being
hurt, abandoned, perhaps being cheated on. I am going to
assume you have not done anything to make him feel more
insecure than he already is, which means how he feels has
nothing to do with you. The bad news is that you cannot
do anything to make him stop being possessive, suspicious
and jealous. The good news is that you don't have to take
it personally. The better news is that you don't need to
try to make him feel better, because you can't - he will
likely have these feelings for a long time, in any relationship
he is in. So go about your life, doing what you need to
do and stop accommodating his feelings. This is your only
hope of helping him ever get over them.
~Your Relationship Coach
Q. I really like this girl
and I think she likes me. The problem is that she is dating
someone. The bigger problem is that she is dating my friend.
What do I do?
~Tommy
A.
Dear
Tommy,
As I see it, you have two choices - let the girl know you
like her, but lose the friendship with your friend. Or,
keep the friendship and go find another girl to focus on.
It all depends on how important the friendship is to you.
~Your Relationship Coach
Q. Can you offer any insight
into achieving intimacy, openness and honesty in a relationship
without hurting the other person? I see anger as the root
of most intimacy problems.
~Krista
A.
Dear
Krista,
You are right. Unresolved anger turned into resentment is
the root of most intimacy problems. Resolving anger and
resentments when they arise, as they will occasionally in
any relationship, is the surest path to intimacy, openness
and honesty. However, it's almost impossible not to hurt
the other person, in any relationship. The truth is, you
will hurt your partner - sometimes unintentionally and sometimes
even intentionally. Hurting each other occasionally does
not have to mean the end of the relationship. It is what
the two of you do with the hurt that matters. In an open,
intimate relationship the two people will talk about their
anger and hurt, and learn to listen to each other in such
a way that the negative emotions will get worked through.
~Your Relationship Coach
Q. I have lived with a
man for a year-and-a-half, and I'm really not sure if he's
the one for me. My issue is this: Ralph wants to do, literally,
everything I do, and everything together. He wants to wake
up together in the morning, shower together, leave for work
together, spend all of our evenings together, and go to
bed at the same time. I feel like he's infringing on my
individuality, and I feel like he's clinging to me in an
unhealthy way. I've given up my morning exercise routine
because it bothered him that we didn't spend mornings together.
I'm a writer and I like to do some writing in the mornings...I
really enjoy waking early and having some time to myself.
Because I wake up early, he wants to wake up early too.
When he does this I feel like he's a little puppy dog who
just needs to follow me around all day and do everything
I do. If I say I don't WANT him to do that he feels rejected,
and as if something is wrong because I don't want him there
all the time.
It's
not that I don't want to do anything together. We're taking
a painting class together one night a week, and it's very
enjoyable and fun to share this time together. We have dinner
together every night, which I also love. On the other hand,
I also wonder if I'm making up this story about his lack
of independence...and perhaps I'm not allowing myself to
"be" with a man. I wonder sometimes if he's "good
enough," and then I feel guilty that I'm such a "snob."
I
have anger that bubbles up around these issues all the time.
What do I do?
~Jane
A.
Dear
Jane,
People in relationships need time apart and need their own
lives in order for the relationship to work. So I am wondering
why you have been willing to give this part of yourself
up, giving up your time alone, your exercise, your writing,
instead of allowing your partner to deal with his feeling
of rejection? After all, you know you are not rejecting
him when you want some space and time - you are taking care
of yourself. If this brings up feelings of rejection for
him, you can gently help him deal with the feelings, instead
of trying to fix the situation so that he does not feel
rejected. I suggest you try taking care of yourself and
then help him deal with his emotions as they come up, by
listening and being understanding, but not giving up yourself
again. I think this will change how you feel about him.
~Your Relationship Coach
Q. I've
been with my boyfriend for over 9 months now. We were engaged
and broke off the engagement on the grounds that it was
just too soon for the both of us. Lately I've been feeling
like he's lost interest in me. He spends most of his time
on the computer or asleep and we hardly ever speak to each
other. He's very snippy and when we do speak, one of us
always gets angry or we start an argument. I'm beginning
to stop loving him, and I'm not sure how to bring up any
conversation about this without starting an argument. He
always says that I'm putting words in his mouth or what
I'm saying is a lie, when I know it isn't. Even our close
friends have realized that our relationship is falling apart.
Should I try to discuss this with him or should I decide
to end things and see if that is for the better?
~Anonymous
A.
Dear Anonymous,
I think it is always better to try to talk things out with
your partner. How about you try to talk to him about what
is going on between the two of you and try to listen when
he responds. Most of all, refuse to get into an argument
with him. Arguing is often one way to avoid dealing with
the real issues, so if you refuse to be pulled into an argument,
you might just have a chance to get to the truth.
~Your Relationship Coach
**Featured Question**
Q.
I'm just at the point of bringing a new email "relationship"
to the next level of an actual date. Any tips on making
our first encounter work? Or tips in general?
~Anonymous
A.
Dear Anonymous,
I would like to offer you some tips for meeting people online
and then dating them. Specifically, it is important to remember
that meeting someone online is different than meeting people
during the course of everyday life. Therefore, relationships
formed online need special handling while you get to know
each other.
1.
If you meet someone online and either feel chemistry or
think there may be a potential, set up an in-person meeting.
I
suggest you do this sooner rather than later, as soon as
possible in fact. You want to really meet the person and
perhaps form a relationship with him or her, and not form
a relationship with his or her online persona only. No matter
how honest and forthright a person is, you cannot fully
experience someone while solely interacting online - you
only get a one-dimensional take. Too many times I have seen
people falling in love online or by email, only to meet
and find out they are not very compatible.
2.
Have low expectations and see if you can be detached from
the outcome of the first meeting.
It
is stressful to meet someone new, even more stressful if
you have gotten to know each other in the artificial environment
of online dating. Don't add to either of your discomfort
by having huge expectations about how things will turn out.
See if you can allow for chemistry, perhaps a relationship.
But if not, allow for friendship or some other significant
connection.
3.
Stay safe during the meeting.
This
almost goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. Meet
this new person in a well-populated public place only, and
remain in the public place for the entire date. If there
are more dates with this person, meet in public place until
the two of you really get to know each other. And while
you are out on these dates, have your cell phone with you,
have a back up plan to take care of yourself and let a close
friend or family member know where you are and who you are
with.
4.
If you meet online first, then meet in person and like each
other, you still need plenty of time to establish the relationship.
When
everything goes right and the person you met online turns
out to be just the person you like/want/are attracted to,
still take time to get to know each other in everyday, real
life. As far as I can tell from coaching hundreds of singles,
the biggest predictor of a successful relationship is the
amount of time a couple takes to get to know each other,
in person. In other words, if you take three months of real
life dating to get to know each other, you are more likely
to have a successful relationship than if you got to know
each other mostly online, or if you jumped into a relationship
quickly.
5.
Do not get physically intimate until you know each other
in real life.
To
follow up on the above, the second biggest predictor of
a successful relationship, as far as I can see, is establishing
intimacy slowly. Really, there is nothing wrong with sex
between consenting adults, except that it creates a false
sense of intimacy. Once you sleep with someone, you will
often feel close and endearing toward each other. You will
tend to overlook incompatibilities, which may otherwise
make this relationship a "no go." Unfortunately,
this sense of intimacy will last at the outmost for about
3 months, at which point all things you could not see or
refused to see in the beginning will reveal themselves.
It's better to see things as they are at the start and have
a choice about whether or not to go forward with the relationship.
~Your Relationship Coach
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