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Ask
your relation- ship question.
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there
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Q&A1
Recovering from rejection, talking about the future.
go
there
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Q&A2
Ending a relation- ship, to marry or not, is it friendship
or what, getting over cheating, etc. go
there
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Q&A3
Changing his feelings, stopping ex from being rude, proving
mom wrong, etc. go
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Q&A4
Breaking relation- ship addiction, the single epidemic,
how big is that age gap. go
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Q&A5
Should I see the light, forgiving infidelity, dealing with
her problems. go
there
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Q&A6
Looking for a decent man, second chances, mass dating, love
addiction. go
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| Q&A7
Emotional affair, he's still attached, a loaded man, e-dating,
love addiction. go
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Q&A8
How to handle a possessive partner, pursuing a friend's
girlfriend, intimacy & anger, relationships and personal
space, online dating tips. go
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Q.
Here goes. I was going through a divorce and met a guy. He's 29 and I'm 37. We dated a few times, knew we liked each other, but decided not to see each other until the divorce was final for the obvious reasons. Divorce is final, hanging out together, getting closer. However, he seems to be haunted by his past. He had a serious relationship with another woman (not the mother of his child) for 5 years. She ended it and he was terribly hurt. Some times things between us are so perfect. But when we get close/intimate, he seems scared and brings up the past. Its almost like he's cheating on her or something. This guy is everything I want in a man but I'm worried (the gut feeling) that she still has a power over him. Should I give this relationship more time or just "see the light" and move on? Thanks for your opinion. Anon
A.
Dear Anon, I am not sure there is a "light" to be seen here, at least not yet. It is pretty normal for a new relationship to bring up feelings from an old one. Now you have to watch what your guy does with these feelings. He will do one of two things. He may confuse the present with the past, and only allow the two of you to get just so close. If this happens to be the case, perhaps you should move on.
Alternatively, he may realize that a relationship with you is not the same as the relationship in his past, and share his feelings and fears instead of acting them out. If this is the case, you are
on your way to building a solid, wonderful relationship.
Q.
Dear Rinatta, I am a married woman with four children from Malaysia. As I read your article on forgiveness, my mind is filled with lots of confusion and anger. You see, my husband had extra-marital affairs and till today I have yet to forgive him for what he has done. My heart is filled with anger and revenge and I can't seem to see what's best to be done. I am finding hard to come to terms with being married to a man who cheats and strays. Helena
A.
Dear Helena, coming to terms with infidelity is a very difficult task. Here are
some practical suggestions:
*
Ask your husband if he understands the impact his infidelity has had on you. Ask him to specifically, and in detail, list how this has impacted you. Listen and do not interrupt, and keep encouraging him to come up with more ways you have been impacted.
* Ask him what lead him to cheat, and if the things that were present then are no longer present in your marriage. In other words, ask him how he can make sure that you can trust him from now on.
* Do completion work. See articles #81 & #82 in the Relationship Coach Newsletter Archive.
Q.
Dear Relationship Coach, I started dating a woman I met in college approximately eight months ago. A little over a year ago, she and her two young children finally left her abusive marriage and she moved back in with her parents so that she could finish her teaching degree, which will take just about another year. From the instant we started dating, her parents have made our relationship a nightmare. They are extremely controlling of the relationship, abusive of her and her children, and generally make it almost impossible for us to be together. I have a very hard time "just accepting" this behavior for the next year (or more). How might I deal with this very volatile situation? Anon
A.
Dear Anon, I believe the reality here is that her parents are not going to change. She obviously learned how to live with abuse by living with her parents. I am sure you realize, living at her parents house under such conditions is not good for her or her kids.
The question is, what are you going to do about this, and how will you support her in dealing with this situation? You have two choices:
1.
Encourage and support her in finding the resources and solutions to her financial and housing problems, and help her move out.
2.
Put up with the situation, and eventually walk away because the situation is unbearable. |
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