Q.
Hi, I'm in a relationship that I know is bad, but I can't seem to get myself out of it. Here goes... I met a guy at work and he was so everything that I had asked (God) for. So we started dating and it was happening too quick. We started talking
about marriage, children and the general long term. After four months of dating, we made my son. Soon after I told him I was pregnant, he began to act silly. Later I found out he was cheating with two
women. We eventually broke up.
He moved in with another girl from work and they got married. I got devastated, but we still saw a lot of each other because of our son. Eventually we started having sex
and talking about life and everything. I tried to have other relationships but they never
worked out. I end up wanting him.
I'm thirty-five, my son is now five. I never wanted to be involved with a
married man. I never wanted any of this. But I love his father......deeply. I try hard to avoid him, but then I begin to miss him and he'll call, and I'll say, "Sure, you can come over." When he's
here, it's great and when he leaves I die all over again!! I don't know how he feels I'm afraid to ask. Thanks, Octavia.
A.
Dear Octavia, there is no way out of this situation without pain. You are deeply embroiled in relationship addiction. You get just enough love to stay addicted, and then pay for your "fix" by repeated heartbreak.
There is no easy way out. Get help, specifically from a good therapist. Anyone dealing with a heavy relationship addiction needs help - as with any other addiction, it seldom works to quit cold
turkey.
Meanwhile, consider that as long as you allow the situation to continue, everyone involved, including your son, is constantly getting hurt by this arrangement. Perhaps knowing that you are
setting your son up to have bad relationships in his future will give you enough strength to stop having the affair with his father.
Q.
I'm 34 years old, never been married, no children and have not had a serious relationship that has lasted more than a few years. I'm afraid there is something wrong with me and the more I go without the more I want. I am not sure I want a relationship because I need to feel loved or love. I feel I have to be in a relationship to justify my worth. I want to fall in love and have a man fall in love with me, hold my hand when he walks next to me, open my door and when he gets up - ask me if I want anything. I want my mother. Her patience and sheer acceptance of me is so great that it is all I want in a relationship. Is it too great to desire only what I can give - and at my age ... is it too late to have such a romantic heart? Alone is all I know. Anonymous
A.
Hi Anon, there is nothing wrong with you. Check out Time magazine's front cover story, http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,52954,00.html
to see how many women are experiencing exactly the same thing.
If you want someone to love you, open the door for you, ask if you want anything, friends will do just fine. In fact, consider educating
your friends how to love and accept you the way your mother did.
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who was there to only get his needs met? I would bet not. With your need for
acceptance met elsewhere, focus on what you can contribute to a relationship. Start identifying the type of men who would value what you have to contribute. You may then notice interesting men are all of the
sudden drawn to you.
Q.
Dear Rinatta, I'm 35 years old and haven't dated in quite a while. I met a cute guy through a mutual friend and we both expressed some attraction toward the other in this first, brief meeting. When I found out that the guy is 24-years old, I told my friend I wouldn't consider going out with someone so much younger than me.
What is your advice about this issue? Dating a 24-year old doesn't fit on my "list" of do's when it comes to dating. Aren't I setting myself up for the possibility of getting involved with
someone who I "think" wouldn't be ready for the things I'm ready for in a relationship. Or, should I broaden my horizons to include getting to know anyone on the merit of who they are and not on
the age they are. Any suggestions? Thanks! S
A.
Dear S, age difference is an interesting issue. There are some relationships that thrive despite the age difference. However an age gap, where one of the partners is in the early 20th and the other in mid to late 30th, presents a particular problem.
Remember when you were 24? What have you learned in the last 11 years? Are you the same person as you were then? Your answer is probably that you are different, much more mature, grown up, and in
ways that you could not have predicted at 24. In fact, you have had some experiences, perhaps many, that most 24-year olds have not had yet. This gap in life experiences is what makes this type of age gap
relationship unviable.
Now, If he were to be 35 and you were to be 46, that's another conversation all together. The experiences between 35 and 46 are not as vastly different as those between 24
and 35. |
