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Ask Love Coach Love Questions & Answers, Issue #3 for 3/11/05


from Love Coach Rinatta Paries and

Hi there! In this issue:
1. Thanks for taking the survey & changes to the RCN newsletter
2. Reader Love Question & Answer for Singles
3. Reader Love Question & Answer for People in Relationship

1. Thanks for taking the survey & changes to the newsletter

Thanks everyone for taking the Relationship Coach Newsletter
reader survey. Because of the survey results, the Relationship
Coach Newsletter will be going through some changes. Watch the
next issue, coming out this Sunday, to see what's in store.

By the way, the survey is now closed. Thanks again, everyone!

Do you have a question you would like answered about being
single, dating, or about your relationship? Get an answer by
sending your question to Love Coach Rinatta Paries at Each week two questions are
answered and printed in (this) Reader Love Q&A newsletter.

2. Reader Love Question & Answer for Singles

Dear Rinatta,
I am 39 and worried I will never have a life time companion. I
have had 2-3 year relationships but never have been married and I
am fearful it's because I am expecting too much or too set in my

I am always taking classes, confronting my fears and feel more
confident and good about who I am than ever. But one of the
things I want, a solid relationship, just doesn't seem to happen
no matter what I do. Speed dating, internet dating, meeting
friends of friends, dating people I work with, rekindling old
relationships, singles events. I have dated so many men and
tried so many ways to meet the one that is right for me but
nothing seems to stick. Help! ~ Andrea

A. Dear Andrea,
You can have a lifetime companion, you can have long lasting
love,I promise. But, first you need to figure out why you haven't
had it yet. Although you may think this answer is external -
perhaps you are expecting too much, or are to set in your ways,
or perhaps you haven't tried the right way to meet people - in
reality the answer is internal.

Typically, people who are single but very much want to find a
life companion are tripped up by three internal mechanisms.

First, at some point in early life you probably made a decision
about how your relationships are going to turn out. This could
have been a five second internal conversation you had with
yourself as a child. But, this short internal conversation is
likely influencing who you choose to date and how you behave in
your relationships.

Secondly, most people who are single while wishing to be
otherwise, are constantly bombarded with internal negative
messages - in their head - about relationships and love. This
is very much like listening to a motivational tape, except it's
always on and is negative instead of positive. What's worst, you
will think the messages from the tape are your own opinions and
feelings and act on them. This again negatively influences who
you choose to date and how you behave in relationships.

Finally something happens in your relationships that makes them
dissolve at 2-3 year mark. This is not atypical, as most people
not know that every relationship will go through predictable
stages, some of which can seem very hard. When the going gets
hard most couples give up, not knowing that over the hill is more
love and intimacy.

What's the solution? How do you attract a partner for lasting
love and then keep him?

Figure out the decision you made early in your life about how

relationships were going to be for you and change it. Start
listening for ongoing messages in your head about love and
relationships, start distinguishing these as not your thoughts
and feelings. Figure out what you need in a relationship and how
to see if the person is right for you before you get involved.
Work on going slowly and establishing a solid relationship with
great communication from the start. Figure out what you alway
do in a relationship to make it fall apart and stop doing it.

A tall order, but not impossible and certainly worth if for
life-long love! You can do this! ~ Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Suggested Resources that will help with attracting true love:

- ProblemSolver session with Love Coach Rinatta Paries
  to figure out early decision and distinguish tapes from self.

- E-Class - Whom are You Dating
  Learn to see people quickly & tell if they're right for you.

- E-Class - How Not to Blow It in a New
  Relationship: How to set up a new relationship for keeps

- E-Class - Pattern Tracker
  Figure out your dating and relationship behavior pattern

3. Reader Love Question & Answer for People in Relationship

Q. Hi Coach.
I love your newsletter. I've been dating this man off and on
for almost 5 years. When it's good, it's what I've always
wanted, when it's's toxic. How can we get to a good
place, and stay there-through the rough road...knowing it'll get
better? Or would it be better to just part forever? (I'm 36,
he's 47). ~ off and on

A. Dear off and on,
Thank you for the kind words. Now for your question. Every
relationship that reaches true intimacy will get bad for a time.
This bad period mostly happens because intimacy is like salve
that makes all of the bad and hurtful things that a person
has experienced in a lifetime come out to be shared and healed.

Problem is, most people do not identify what is happening as a
healing expression of lifetime experiences, but think they feel
bad because of the relationship and partner. So they leave.

The way to get to a good place together is to stay together when
it gets bad and to work through both of your emotions. Now,
notice, I am not saying stay hoping that it gets better, but
actively work together, even with a professional, on what's going
wrong. If both if you can earnestly go this route, you may end up
together in a blissful ever after. ~ Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Suggested Resources that will help get to a good place together:

- ProblemSolver session with Love Coach Rinatta Paries
  to figure out where your relationship breaks down and why

- E-Class - Increase Intimacy in Your
  Relationship: Learn ways to stop relationship breakdown

- E-Class - Pattern Tracker for both of you
  to take individually to see relationship behavior patterns


Love Always!
Coach Rinatta Paries

Find out more about the Love Education & Coaching Services at Real Help for Singles, Dating, in
Relationship, Engaged & Married People!

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