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Relationship Coach Newsletter #184, 4/14/05
Service of & Love Coach Rinatta Paries

    Welcome to this week’s issue, sent at your request!

    In this issue:
    News & Your Feedback
    Dating Secret Revealed: Words vs Action – Which Matters More?
    3. Relationship Secret Revealed: People Change – Make that Work for You!
    4. Looking for Dating, Love or Relationship Answers?

    1. News & Your Feedback

Do you write jokes? If so, email me – I may have an interesting opportunity for you.

Your Feedback
“Dear Rinatta, Every lesson of the Whom Are You Dating eClass, is well worth the wait. I'm sharing your newsletter with single women friends and encouraging them to sign up and to try some of your eClasses. I tell them that I'm fixing my broken partner picker.

I've been dating a man off and on since 1998, when I had been divorced about 9 years. We are both "gun shy". I was attracted to his sense of humor first and then began to notice a lot of other things I liked. I kept my distance and thought we'd be just friends and dinner date partners -- nothing more. I began to have other feelings for him which I didn't understand…but I didn't reveal all my feelings and scare him away. I simply let him know how much I enjoyed spending time with him and that I look forward to our dates and that he's good company. He started kissing me goodnight without provocation by me. I let him be first to say "I love you". I am 59 and he is 69. We're both divorced and have been single for several years.

I have NEVER experienced anything like this…this time I did not get the cart before the horse because you were guiding me with all the good insight and information to do it right this time. I don't know where this is going but we are both enjoying the journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm not going to graduate from your school as this is a lifelong venture.” ~ Dee M.

2. Dating Secrets Revealed: Words vs Action - Which Matters More?

The Secret: Instead of listening to words that profess love and make promises, watch your new dating or relationship partner for consistent, positive action towards you over time.

Have you ever gotten into a relationship with a person who told you everything you have dreamt of hearing from a partner, only to have the relationship fall apart for no reason a short time later? This happens to almost all singles at some time.

Moved by the emotions and the excitement of the situation, a person can get carried away with words, saying things to the other that later won’t be backed by action. So you may not want to trust those words. On the other hand, actions speak louder than words. People who want a relationship with you will show you what they want by their actions, consistently over time.

Just what are these words to watch out for and what do they mean? What actions will tell you if the new person you are dating is into you? Here are two examples:

Words: A new person you’re dating says he/she has never felt this way about anyone but you.
Watch out: He or she feels flooded with good feelings at the moment. The good feelings are about being close to another person, not to you in particular.
Instead look for: A new person you are dating regularly wanting to spend time with you, showing up and enjoying your company.

Words: A new person you’re dating says he/she wants to be married to you.
Watch out: He or she feels good in your company and wants to always feel this good. But even the best relationships don’t feel good all of the time. When the good feelings change for a time, so may the desire to be with you.
Instead look for: A new person you are dating to be with you and treat you well even when you are not at your best. You want a person who can tolerate the ups and downs of a relationship and who has the skills and maturity to be able to build a long-term relationship with you.

How to get beyond words:

  • Listen to your new dating or relationship partner’s words as an expression of current but changeable feelings
  • Do not make relationship decisions based on these words
  • Instead watch for action
  • If you meet people through the Internet, meet in person the people you are interested in as soon as possible, in public settings, and build the relationship in person so that you can see the person’s actions
  • If you are building a long-distance relationship, spend as much time together as possible – over time, as in once a week instead of one weekend once a month - to see each other’s actions

Suggested Resources: Here is help for figuring out what actions you need to look for in potential partners to see who is a good match for you eClassWhom Are You Dating
Learn what you need from a partner and how to see if he or she can give it to you eClass - Pattern Tracker
Understand and get free from your attraction to words instead of actions

3. Relationship Secret Revealed: People Change – Make that Work for You!

The Secret: Expect changes in yourself and your partner as you move in together or get married. For your relationship to thrive, know where the changes come from and what to do about them.

I am sure you know most people change when they move in together or get married. For some the change is subtle and comes on over time, for others it’s dramatic and comes on overnight. But the change does come. This is a normal part of the deepening of a relationship and love, and cannot be avoided. This is what people talk about when they say relationships require work.

Often neither partner is aware of the change, but is only aware that life together is not quite as happy and there is a certain lack of satisfaction with the relationship. People usually attribute this to stress, hoping it will go away. For some couples this can be the beginning of the end, because as the partners change, they meet each other’s needs less, and in the process extinguish their love. However, this news is not all bad – in fact, it is actually very good.

What to do to use the changes to get even more love than before:

The changes are the wounds from the past rising up inside you and your partner, seeking to be healed. These can be wounds from childhood or from past relationships, or both. As you and your partner heal these, both of you will be available and capable of the kind of intimacy and love both of you have always wanted.

Here is the work both of you need to do:

  • Talk openly with each other about the changes you notice
  • Do not give up on each other even if the person who changed does not yet clearly see the changes or their origin
  • Do not buy excuses of stress or added responsibility as viable reasons for the changes
  • Strongly request the same amount of love and attention as you enjoyed before the commitment – and be there for each other as new feelings arise
  • Get help, advice, therapy, coaching, or take classes together to put your relationship back on the right track, so that the two of you can have deep, heart-satisfying love

Suggested Resources: Help for you to prepare for future changes in your relationship, and embrace them as a couple eClass - Pattern Tracker
See and articulate the changes in yourself and your partner eClassEssential Communication Course for Couples
Learn how to communicate with your partner so that you are heard

4. Looking for Dating, Love or Relationship Answers?

I am sure many times you have found yourself wanting feedback or advice that is personalized to your own situation or relationship, but didn’t know where to turn for that advice.

You can turn to me. I really am here for you. All you have to do is set up an advice session with me by going to the advice session page , and we can be on the phone working out your situation by tomorrow.

Personal Advice Session Rates are as follows:
15 minutes - $50 - we can get a lot done in just 15 minutes!
30 minutes - $100 - great for most love questions & situations!
45 minutes - $150 - great for people who want in-depth help!

Go set up your session so that we can get to work on your love-life situation now!

Love Always!
Your Love Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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