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Relationship Coach Newsletter #183, 3/31/05
Service of & Love Coach Rinatta Paries


Welcome {!firstname_fix} to this week’s issue, sent at your request!

    In this issue:
    News & Your Feedback
    Dating Mistake Revealed: Not Honoring Your $ex`al Conduct Values
    Relationship Mistake Revealed: The Grass is Greener Elsewhere
    4. Personal Advice and Help for You


1. News & Your Feedback

This week’s newsletter is in a new format, based on your feedback to the Reader Survey a few weeks ago, with new articles focusing more closely on what you are dealing with in your love life. I hope what you read here helps and supports you as you find and maintain the love you want and deserve.

Your Feedback
“Thanks Coach! I just went through the Pattern Tracker eclass, and was very surprised about what I discovered.

I knew that I always seemed to find men who had some of the negative qualities of my father. The last two relationships I was in I didn't see a whole lot of similarities with my father until going through the exercise. Boy, was I surprised. Really surprised.  Especially the last one as his similarities to my father were very subtle but they were still there. I ran into him a week ago at a party after a year and half of not speaking with him. We had a bad break up. I was charmed again and spent the rest of the weekend with him. I know he cares about me but he hasn't called me since then. Same old pattern of always on his time and his terms.

Can't tell you how much I appreciate your eclass as I decided that when he finally does call I am no longer spending any time with him. It is time I found someone who will love and cherish me and treat me as the special person that I am. Last time I am getting my heart broken again by a "daddy" I can't fix”. ~~ Jeanne


2. Dating Mistake Revealed: Not Honoring Your $ex`al Conduct Values
(Note: some words in this article have been disguised to bypass ad#lt content filters)

The Mistake:

Not honoring your $ez`al conduct values; letting others make you feel uncomfortable, wrong or bad; feeling you need to accommodate others in order to date, be loved, or get into a relationship.

Some singles run across others who openly talk about $ez or what t#rns them 0n. Not feeling comfortable with this kind of talk before being in a relationship, they feel compelled or obligated to put up with it or work around it, thinking they have to in order to find love. The people who are talking the talk often ridicule the people who are not comfortable with it.

Some singles run across others who expect to have physical intimacy in the first few dates. Preferring to wait until the relationship is established, they wonder if they are being too old-fashioned. The singles who want $ez before the relationship often ridicule those who do not.

What’s going on here? Is $ez`ality the ticket to being loved and having a relationship? You are going to be very surprised by the answer I am about to give you.

How to avoid the discomfort of not honoring your values:

If you want dating to be about $ez, that’s your choice. But if you don’t, you do not have to listen to, say, or do anything that is not a true expression of your values and personality. You do not have to be uncomfortable or embarrassed or give up on what’s important to you in order to find love.

The people who want to connect $ez`ally before establishing a relationship with you are either just looking to have fun or don’t know how to create a long-lasting relationship. In either case, they are unlikely to give you the love you want and deserve.

Since you are unlikely to get from them what you want anyway, feel free to let them know just where you stand on $ez`al talk and $ez before the relationship.

If they are able to hear you and back up to be more appropriate, explore the relationship. If they ridicule you, blame you, try to shame you, or somehow imply you have a problem, don’t believe them.

By being true to yourself you will attract a genuine, loving relationship, while they will still be on the hunt, perpetually unsatisfied.

Suggested Resources to help you choose a good match vs. wrong-for-you people:

3. Relationship Mistake Revealed: The Grass is Greener Elsewhere

The Mistake:

Being with a compatible partner and yet still wondering if there is someone better suited for you out there.

At some point in every relationship, and in some much sooner than in others, one or both people wonder if they should leave and find a more compatible, better-suited partner elsewhere.

But if you are in a relationship, chances are the two of you are highly compatible – incompatible, disconnected people seldom end up in relationships. At the same time, compatible people are relatively hard to find and the search can take a lot of time and effort.

Perhaps you are not looking for someone more compatible but someone you can be more connected to. That is what most people who leave relationships are looking for – more intimacy than the connection they experience with their current partner.

But a deeper connection can only be forged with a person you already know and trust, who knows and trusts you. That is why it is better to stay and work with your partner to deepen the relationship, because as you do, the two of you will fall in love all over again, discovering new parts of each other for a lifetime.

There are only a few instances when you should in fact leave a relationship and find someone more compatible:

  • If you are being physically abused
  • If you are being emotionally abused and your partner refuses to get help
  • If the relationship is in need of growth and your partner, after being asked many times in many different ways, has categorically refused to grow, change or get help
  • If there is no physical chemistry between the two of you
  • If there is physical chemistry but one or the other partner is not interested in the physical relationship and refuses to get any help with this issue

How to avoid throwing away your current relationship:

When you feel the desire to see if the grass is greener elsewhere, take it as a sign that you need to turn more towards your partner and work on connecting more deeply with him or her. You may experience some resistance to doing this, and will have to try it on faith. When the connection between the two of you begins to deepen, your desire to look for someone else will subside.

Suggested Resources to help you see if you are with the right person, and to get more closeness and connection in your relationship:


4. Personal Advice and Help for You

How would you like to get personal advice and help on your dating, relationship or break-up situation from Love Coach Rinatta Paries?

I am only a click and then a phone call away. To speak to me, schedule a ProblemSolver telephone advice session (15, 30 or 45 minutes).


Love Always!
Your Love Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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