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Relationship Coach Newsletter #182, 3/16/05
Service of & Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Welcome to this week’s issue, sent at your request!

    In this issue:
    News, Your Feedback, Your Subscription
    2. Article: How to Change Your Feelings About Anything That Stops You
    Article: Reader Survey Results + Resulting Changes to Newsletter & Site


1. News, Your Feedback, Your Subscription

The Relationship Coach Newsletter Reader Poll results are in. Thank you everyone for participating! As a result of the poll, changes are coming to the Relationship Coach Newsletter and site. Take a look at Article 2 below for comprehensive survey results and the changes that are coming.

Your Feedback
“Thank you! I was (just) able to get into the program and have already found it enormously helpful.” ~ Susan, newsletter reader enrolled in Pattern Tracker eClass.

Your Subscription


2. Article: How to Change Your Feelings About Anything That Stops You

I had a conversation with a friend the other day.

I was struggling with how I was feeling about a particular situation. My feelings were strong and I was making choices based on these feelings that I didn’t like very much. This kept happening over and over and I was starting to get frustrated with myself. I was starting to feel like a butterfly captured in a net.

Have you ever felt that way? Are you ever overwhelmed by feelings you wish you didn’t have and make choices you wish you hadn’t made? Do you want to stop both these feelings and the choices?

I will tell you how to do both in a moment. But first, let me tell you what happened to me. As my friend and I were talking about my feelings, and as he was telling me how best to cope with them, I had a huge insight. I realized my feelings were not mine at all, and that because of that I didn’t have to act on them. I was free, no longer having to take any action I did not fully choose.

Let me explain. Contrary to popular belief, feelings don’t just happen to us. Feelings are a direct result of an internal conversation, which is often so subtle, quick and quiet we don’t even know it’s there. We say something to ourselves as a reaction to external stimuli and those words create a reaction inside of us – feelings.

External stimuli, real or perceived  >>>>      thoughts and words to self    >>>>    feelings

Let me show you an example. Go to the mirror and look at yourself. Now say something very negative about your weakest attribute. Keep saying it. OK, how do you feel? You may have started to feel sad, angry, or frustrated, or started promising yourself to make changes.

Now, say something very positive about your best attribute, and say it as many times as you said the negative words. OK, how do you feel now? You may feel brighter, lighter, more like smiling and being kind.

You see, you just created your own feelings. This is what happens to us constantly – we have feelings as a result of giving messages to ourselves. Now, not all feelings need to be changed. What if you are having feelings that stop you from taking the action you want to take to have a better life and more love?

For example, what if you want to lose weight, but dieting makes you feel depressed or deprived and then you seem to have no control over making poor food choices. Or, what if you have feelings of being too scared or too depressed to meet new people and so you end up alone? What do you do then?

Listen for the messages you are speaking to yourself which create your feelings. Examine and understand the origin of these messages. Choose whether you want to continue to listen to these messages or to dismiss them as not reflecting who you are any longer. Chances are that the messages in your head are not even your thoughts. Someone could have told you that love doesn’t last. Or someone told you that true love is hard to find. Or that the way to keep a relationship is to give up on what you want.

Alternatively, you could have created your own message as a result of misperceiving a situation, or to keep yourself safe. Of course, a message designed to keep you safe that instead makes you miserable has outlived its validity.

The messages you could be saying to yourself are as individual as you are, and yet if they are creating feelings you don’t want you can:

  • Catch the message and you will catch the root of your feelings
  • Stop the message by identifying the origin of it – where you got it, why you started saying it to yourself - and you will stop the feelings from returning
  • Dispute the validity of the message, every time you hear it in your head, and you will find freedom to act you as you choose, according to what YOU want and need

Of course, with freedom of action will come different results – love, happiness, peace…whatever you might want.  ~ Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Suggested Resources for identifying and catching the messages in your head:

3. Article: Reader Survey Results + Resulting Changes to Newsletter & Site

Thanks everyone for taking the RCN reader survey, and I hope you are enjoying your thank-you gift PatternTracker eClass.

Many of you answered the survey and the results were fascinating and enlightening.

Take a look at the results below to see what kind of company you are keeping by being a RCN reader.

After each survey question and your answers you will find my comments. Think of what you read below as conversation between you and me.

Speaking of conversations, instead of writing into the email vacuum, hoping you read my message the way I intended it, I would very much like to have a more interactive relationship with you, my reader. To that end, soon to come – an addition of Love Coach Blog – where you will be able to interact with me on my site.

Survey Q #1 What is your age?

All adult age groups read the Relationship Coach newsletter, with a slight majority of middle age to late middle age readers.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: I would like every adult, regardless of age, to get relationship education. I will be working on this. If you want to help people you know get relationship education, send them to to subscribe to the Relationship Coach Newsletter.

Survey Q #2 What is your gender?

Women predominantly took the survey, with men being 11% of the respondents.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: More men seem read the newsletter than the survey showed, as I get quiet a bit of email from men. At the same time, I would like more men to have access to relationship education. I will be working on this as well. If you want to help men you know get relationship education, send them to to subscribe to Relationship Coach Newsletter.

Survey Q #3 What is your income bracket?

Reader of all income brackets read the Relationship Coach Newsletter, with a slightly higher number of readers being in the 30-50K a year and 70+ K brackets.

Survey Q #4 What is your relationship status?

A staggering 45 % of you are divorced, with 17 % of you never being married. Another very surprising number is that 15% of you are in relationships without commitment, 11% of you are in long-distance relationship and 21% of you are single but not dating at all right now. Around 11% of you are just out of a breakup. There were other relationship variations: some of you are widowed, some are in brand new relationship, a few are living together, are married, or separated, and a few of you are on a verge of a breakup.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: I will be creating more eClasses and other education to help you with the more difficult relationship states:  divorce, non-traditional non-committed relationship, long-distance relationship, etc.

Survey Q #5 What format of information products appeals the most to you?

Most of you prefer the eclass format, with some sort of downloadable or playable audio format – CD, mp3, etc, being a close second. 17% of you are interested in participating in live telephone seminars. In addition, 6% of you said you would like to have a book for reference.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: I would love to hear your ideas for telephone teleseminar you would attend – email me.  I would also love clarification on what information you would like to have in audio format.  Would you like information:

  • In a book-on-tape format, where I read an eClass to you?
  • Audio recordings of interviews with other experts in the field of relationships?
  • Recordings of relationship questions answered by me live?
  • Something else?
    Email your audio product requests to me.

Survey Q #6 Do you prefer the Relationship Coach Newsletter or the RCN Minute?

93% of you said you liked the Relationship Coach Newsletter and the RCN minute.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: Most of you were confused about what the RCN Minute was. Because of this I changed the name of the RCN Minute to Relationship Coach Newsletter Reader Love Q&A. Did you know you get two different weekly emails from me?

  • The Relationship Coach Newsletter in html format has one or two longish articles, news articles, announcements, and customer comments
  • Relationship Coach Newsletter Reader Love Q&A – in text only so that everyone can receive it – has two reader love questions and my short answers, a link to the long newsletter ( in case you didn’t get it in your mailbox) and a special announcement.

Survey Q #7 Where do you usually read our newsletters:

58% of you read the newsletter at home only, with 16% reading it only at work, and 27% reading the newsletter at home and at work.

Survey Q #8 Would you recognize RCN as the acronym for Relationship Coach Newsletter?

Some of you said you recognized what RCN stood for, others did not.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: Some readers said RCN seems like a name of an internet service provider – not a good thing. I will be transitioning the name of the newsletters to Love Coach Newsletter – long articles - and Ask Love Coach – reader love q&a – soon.

Survey Q #9 What gets you to open email from us?

78% of you open all RCN newsletters. 20% of you open newsletters with relevant subject lines only.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: Thank you for trusting me enough to open all email from me.

Survey Q #10 How would you improve the Relationship Coach Newsletter and the RCN Minute?

There were too many answers to this question to list them all, and they were all constructive and helpful.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments:

  • Many of you loved the newsletter just as it is – thank you!
  • Many of you asked for more information to help your love life. Per your request, after today’s newsletter, the articles will primarily focus on the following theme:

    Love mistakes revealed: The worst singles, dating, new relationship, mature relationship, long-distance relationship, non-committed, non-traditional, post-divorce mistakes people make – how to avoid them, or fix them, so that you can have the love you want and deserve.
  • If you have love mistakes you want covered, please send them to me.
  • Some of you asked for format changes, but there was not a consistently clear request that I can discern.  If you have trouble reading either one of the weekly emails you get from me, please let me know by email.
  • Many of you asked for less advertising. There will be more of a balance between letting you know about the products I am creating for you and maintaining quality content.
  • You need to know I write this newsletter and my eClasses as my business enterprise, my soul source of livelihood.  If you like what you read, please show your appreciation financially; otherwise what you read here may go away. I may demo an optional donation program, where people can voluntarily pay for the newsletter.

Survey Q #11 & 12 Do you visit the website and if you do, what is your favorite area of the site?

75% percent of you visit my website - More than half of you go for relationship tips, with another 29% going for dear coach/love questions and answers section. 24% of you are looking at relationship quizzes and close to 20% check in with Love eClasses.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: Thanks for visiting my site!  You will be glad to know I plan to make the content even more relevant and make the site more user-friendly.

Survey Q #13 & 14 How did you hear about and Relationship Coach Newsletter?  What was the search engine or site where you heard about RCN and

Most of you did not remember how you came across the newsletter.

Survey Q #15 Why do you read RCN and RCN minute?

While more than half you read the newsletter because you like the content, 35% of you want me to help you.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: I think most of you want me to help you – otherwise why would you read the newsletter? I am trying to help you. I write the newsletters and eClasses to help you.  Newsletters offer some help, while eClasses offer deep help as I have room to address the issues, which I do not have in a newsletter articles.  A coaching session offers even more help because it is personal and focused.  This is by no means a sales pitch – just the facts.  I have created a page with a list of all the ways I can help you.

Survey Q #16 If you are single, which issues do you struggle with?

13% of you are not single. 61% of you are single and have trouble meeting compatible partners with 46% of you having trouble meeting anyone you are interested in dating and 33% of you having trouble meeting anyone interested in dating you.  About 40% of you struggle with telling if the person you are dating is right for you and about the same number of you struggle with keeping relationships from breaking-up.  Worst, 42% of you keep ending up in the same kind of a relationship over and over.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: You can have the love you deserve! Watch for more articles, ebooks and audio products to help you with these issues. Also look at the current eClasses for singles. They have helped tremendously those who have purchased them and learned from them.

Survey Q #17 What is your experience with online dating?

Most people said they have had mixed experiences with online dating, meeting some compatible people, and yet struggle with knowing whom it is they are interacting with. A few people said they had extremely bad experiences and a few said they had very positive experiences. At the same time, 20% of you said you were in a relationship with a person you met online and one person said she met her husband online.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: I am working on launching my own dating site to allow people to get to know each other better and more naturally.  At the same time I will be working on classes that will teach you how to interact with people in an online dating environment differently, so that it can be a more authentic, fulfilling experience.

Survey Q #18 If you are in a relationship, how old is your relationship?

Of the half of you that said you were in a relationship, 17% said you were in a relationship that is between one to five years old. The rest of you fell evenly into every length of relationship, from just a few weeks old to over 25 years together and everything in between. About 6% of you are just having fun with friends.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: Something happens to relationships between one and five year mark. Many couples do not get through that thing that happens. Take a look at the 8 stages of relationships article to see what happens. Go to first article and then to the second one. eClasses and other information products based on these articles are coming to help couples make it happily past the power struggle and past the five-year mark.

Survey Q #19 If you are in a relationship, what do you most want to improve?

Of the half of you who said you were in a relationship, communication is the number one area you most want to improve in your relationship. This was closely followed by wanting to improve:

  • Deeper connection
  • Deeper commitment
  • Emotional closeness
  • Understanding of each other
  • Knowing more about each other
  • Trust
  • Physical intimacy
  • Skills and ability to deal with emotions
  • Getting to "I do"
  • Anger and/or frustration, Fidelity, Rejection, Friendship with partner, Liking your partner more, Finances, Sharing responsibilities

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: In other words, what most of you want from your relationship is true intimacy. Watch the newsletter for more articles to help you and look at current relationship eClasses to begin to learn how to achieve true intimacy in your relationship.

Survey Q #20, #21, #22, #23 all asked the same question in different ways – what’s troubling you about your love life and where do you need help

Coach Rinatta Paries comments: The responses to these questions were so varied I cannot make any conclusive statement yet about what troubles people most about love and relationships. It was interesting that most of you replied with questions of your own.  Your questions deserve answers. I am going to create a book of your love questions and my answers. Watch for it being announced in the newsletter.

Survey Q #24 Please suggest how this survey might be improved. Do you have kudos or complaints?

Many of you responded that the survey was fine.  Some of you went as far as complimenting and giving me more feedback on the newsletters and website.  Other points that were brought up were to ask you for suggestions for classes and to create discussion groups.

Coach Rinatta Paries comments:

Thank you all! Please do let me know ideas for eClasses for you. If you are interested in a discussion group, email me with your topic idea and best time for you to attend a telephone-based discussion group.

Other notes:

  • One person kept commenting about having lower prices for students. Thank you for your feedback, I certainly understand being stretched for money.   At this time I am unable to offer age based discounts, but do watch for sales and specials.
  • One person asked for help with a link to an eclass she is enrolled in. Unfortunately, the survey was conducted anonymously, so I don’t know who you are. Contact me privately by email and I will give you the info you need.

~ Love Coach Rinatta Paries


Love Always!
Your Love Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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Copyright 1998-2005. All rights reserved. Please forward this newsletter, but it MUST be whole and intact. To use our articles in your publication or website, contact Coach Rinatta Paries..

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